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| Wednesday, January 31, 2007 |
| Fantasy and Reality |
Fantastical thinking, or, thinking about the world in a way that is inconsistent with real-world knowledge, is a basic level of human development. I know, I used to work on psychology textbooks. The field of psychology teaches us that children are really young scientists, trying to rationalize the ways of the world, making mistakes in order to find the correct path, imagining impossible scenarios until they can figure out the truth.
But what happens when an individual escapes into adulthood holding on to just a tiny little piece of that? Where is the line between a dream, or a goal, and an all out fantasy? And are they all bad?
I ask this after a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago. We were discussing some of our friends, trying to figure out what kind of film they imagined they were living in. Romantic-comedy. Film noir. Drama. Documentary. Porno.
It got me thinking. I like to think that I am a pretty grounded human being. I've seen enough of the world to know the damage it can do, but also the opportunities it presents. Yes, I've got a hyperactive emotional side, but I'd like to believe that that only serves to make me a more caring human being. That it helps me be a more compassionate friend, sister, daughter. But I'm sane and rational enough to know that, for example, if I don't work my ass off to get every resume out there I can that a job will not suddenly appear. I know the cast of Friends never could have afforded to live in New York City, and I know that Carrie Bradshaw could not have been able to buy all of those Manolos on a columnists salary.
So why is it then, that when it comes to love and relationships, I was the one that could best be described as wishing she lived in a romantic comedy? I don't believe that a white knight will one day come along and sweep me off my feet, but you've got to admit that the true-love aspect, the over the top romance, can be appealing at times. And come to think of it, the female protagonists of those films are typically strong, independent women, but who have their own set of flaws. By and large is that so far off from the norm? From personal experience I'd have to say that the men in those movies don't exist, but then again – I'm just waiting for a guy to prove me wrong.
And it's not as if I sit around at home waiting for said guy to come find me. If he's not around at the moment, well then fine. I'm going to continue living my life. But I don't think it's unhealthy to fantasize that he might actually exist. Many of the single women I know, especially here in New York, quickly become jaded. They assume the worst of men, having been let down too many times, and in too many ways.
I, on the other hand, choose optimism. I choose hope. I choose to believe that at some point I'm going to find a guy that loves me as much as I love him. I choose to believe that I don't have to go scowering the Manhattan skyline for him, that we may just meet one day. Hell, I could have already met him for all I know.
If it's meant to be, it will be. That's cheesy, and corny. And perhaps it is "fantastical thinking" that real-life romantic comedies can exist, but I don't care.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play in the sandbox. Anyone care to join me?Labels: dating |
posted by FINY @ Wednesday, January 31, 2007   |
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| Tuesday, January 30, 2007 |
| Young and Impulsive |
A wise person once told me, that looking back in 20 years, it's the experiences you'll remember, not your bank account balance.
I've done a lot of cool stuff in my 26 years. I've been to more Sox games than I can remember. Went to the Dominican Republic. Travelled to CA Chicago, every state on the Eastern seaboard. Sure, you can't exactly call me worldly, but I've done enough to keep myself happy.
All these trips though, all the money spent, they were always well thought out. How much I could afford and when. Sure my mother disagrees with the way I've spent my money, thinking I should put some of it into CDs, etc. And she's definitely right, I probably should have.
But sitting here, feeling like I am rotting away in my apartment, I've come to a conclusion. Being smart doesn't always mean being happy. With that in mind, February has turned into a rather interesting month. A fantastic month. One for the books. And it hasn't even started yet.
This weekend, I'll be travelling to Boston. An inexpensive and comforting trip to visit my friend DTR. The weekend of the 16th, back up to Boston I go for the "Winter Summit", a gathering of a core group of us who travel to Minnesota every year for Eddypolusa. 12 of us will converge of the city of Boston from all over the country. So if you live in Boston watch out, it might not still be standing when we're done with it.
But then, the big one. The one I just booked today. The last weekend in February, I'll be flying to Los Angeles to visit my friends who moved out there 5+ years ago and whom I have never been out to see. These are some of my best friends in the world, and four days in sunny Los Angeles with people I hold dear sounds like, well, a little like heaven right now.
I debated this in my head for a long time. Actually, I debated this with the voice of my mother that is always in my head for a long time. I've got money in the bank that can more than cover these expenses. I'll eventually have a job with which to replenish the funds, etc. etc. But in the end, you know what won out? I NEED this. Really need this. I need to get the hell out of the city that has been kicking my ass for a number of months now. Away from the amazing feeling of failure that's been hanging around my neck these past three weeks. I need to escape the depression that's kept me from feeling genuinely happy for the last few weeks. I need this for my own mental health.
Sure, it might be impulsive, maybe even stupid. But I'm 26 years old. Is there any other time in the world when I can live like this? When my mother was my age, she had had me. Eventually I want to have a family. Get married, have kids, become an upstanding member of the community. But right now, right this very minute, I've got literally nothing holding me down.
So Boston, LA, watch out, Finy's coming! Consider yourselves warned.Labels: Boston, friends |
| posted by FINY @ Tuesday, January 30, 2007 |
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| Monday, January 29, 2007 |
| It Really IS A Small World After All |
It's a small, small world.
The song has been running through my head lately (and now probably through at least a few of yours). It's easy to think that in a city of a couple million people it would be easy never to run into people, never to have that kind of random coincidence type of moment. But in the last week, I've had more than my fair share. Luckily, all of them were in a good way.
Thursday of last week, I went out to drinks with my Philly Fan Friend (Let's call her PFF for short) for drinks. While we were out playing darts we ran into a guy that works at the company that I had my first job out of college. In and of itself, not random, right? Thing is this guy is based out of Boston, is rarely in NYC and just happened to be staying at a hotel across the street. Add to that that he is about four rungs up on the corporate ladder than I was when I was there, and just happened to be handed the resignation of one of his team members just hours before seeing me, and you've got a very productive coincidence. He asked me to send him my resume, which he has since passed on for consideration. Small world episode number one.
The other two both happened on Saturday night. The Midwesterner, The Guy Magnet and I went out for a night on the town that night. Just out of the relationship with Barnard Boy, wearing my glasses, and not feeling all that up to trolling for men, I was going along as the wingwoman. I just needed to get out of my apartment.
A few hours into the evening we're leaving a bar and I run into an exroommate, her boyfriend, and their friend (hi guys!) who I hadn't seen in ages. I had never been to the bar we were at, and we were just leaving as they were coming in, but it was fantastic to see them and remind myself that I really should give them a ring to hang out soon. Small world occurrence number two.
Number 3 is really the most bizarre though. That same night, at our third bar of the evening, I am starting to get sick of this scoping men out thing. Since I wasn't in the mood to meet anyone for myself and the girls were pretty focused on it, I was getting a bit bored. So I separate from them for a few minutes and head out to have a cigarette where a guy asks me for a light. We start talking, and yes, ok, kind of flirting, and he and his friend join the girls and I for a drink inside. As this guy and I are talking I ask him where he's from.
Guy: Rhode Island.
Finy: No way, me too. Where in RI?
Guy: Barrington.
Finy: *Stunned Silence*
He's from my hometown. No joke, we went to middle school together. We don't remember each other, but MUST have had some of the same classes because we had all the same teachers, and we're the same age/class (though he went to private high school while I continued on in the public school system). We know some of the same people, and our houses were probably a mile and a half apart. We spent the next THREE HOURS talking about home, who we knew, retelling stories from middle school, where we go when we go home now, etc. etc. etc. I left the bar that night and still couldn't believe it.
Moral of this story: "Though the oceans divide and the mountains are wide, it's a small world after all."Labels: dating, drinking, misc., NYC, Unemployment |
| posted by FINY @ Monday, January 29, 2007 |
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| Saturday, January 27, 2007 |
| Fenway Here I Come!!! |
Tickets for the 2007 Red Sox season went onsale today. After 4 hours and about 25 open windows, I scored myself 2 tickets to a game against the Angels in August and 2 tickets to a game against the Orioles in September.
Add that to the 4 games The Welshman and I are planning on attending down in Baltimore, and hopefully at least one game at Yankee Stadium (if I can get them when they do on sale on Wednesday) and I'm looking at at least 6 or 7 Sox games this year. Almost all of which lands in August and September.
I'm giddy right now just THINKING about baseball. Countdown to pitchers and catchers, T-minus 20 days.Labels: Red Sox |
| posted by FINY @ Saturday, January 27, 2007 |
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| Friday, January 26, 2007 |
| Time To Get Myself Right |
Every day life is a great tool to get away from ourselves. We throw our attention into our work, our social lives, our hobbies. We can safely avoid thinking about the things we don't want to admit, or don't want to dwell on by simply crowding our brains with appointments, plans, and frivolous details.
In the last three weeks I've had what everyone always seems to want and no one seems to have. Time. Loads of it, in fact. So much that I've begun begging friends to give me freelance work, not because I desperately need the money, but because I desperately need something to do.
With no relationship to speak of, no job on the horizon, I'm left to deal with all those issues I never wanted to face. I'm left alone with me.
And the conclusion I've come to is this: I've abused myself for far too long. Case in point, until this week, I hadn't been to the eye doctor in about three years. For someone who wears contacts and has required corrective lenses since I was six, this is a very very bad thing. My prescription had changed drastically, my glasses were five years old, and the contacts supply that should have lasted me a year I had somehow stretched to three. I was sleeping in my contacts, not washing them as often as I should, hardly EVER wearing my glasses. I was creating so much wear and tear on my eyes that they became oxygen deprived and I was forced by my optometrist to discontinue use of my contacts for a week. Which in turn forced me to buy a new pair of glasses that weren't completely warped and actually allowed me to see correctly.
The entire situation was brought about because I was scared. See, doctors have never been the kind of place where I got good news. When I was a kid there was a myriad of physical ailments. I required special exercises for my eyes, surgery to repair my jaw, physical therapy for my back, ointment for my psoriasis, the list keeps going. When I was finally old enough to deal with all of this on my own, well, I didn't. Instead I kept putting it off and putting it off. And now I'm sitting here almost $500 poorer for the error.
Doctors aren't the only thing that scare me. And my physical abuse of myself doesn't end at not making regular check-up appointments. My eating habits are dreadful. I don't exercise. I smoke, I drink, I put myself at risk every day with the way I live my life.
And if we're being honest it's not even simply a physical thing. I abuse myself emotionally too. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed that I end up burning out. I procrastinate with my writing for fear of rejection. I ignore the important things in favor of the trivial. And I won't even start on what I've realized I do in relationships.
It stops now. The eye doctor was just the beginning. I've spent so much of my life trying to make other people happy, it's time for me to be selfish for a little while. To concentrate on getting myself right. It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be quick. But I would never allow anyone to treat me the way I've treated myself, and there should not be a double standard like that.
So look out world. Meegan was right, this is going to be the year of Finy. I'm going to make sure of it.Labels: self-improvement |
| posted by FINY @ Friday, January 26, 2007 |
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| Tuesday, January 23, 2007 |
| Statistics |
Number of Job Sites Checked and Bookmarked: 374 (yes, I've kept track, yes, there's an excel sheet, no, I swear it's not color coded - yet)
Number of Jobs Applied For Since January 1st: 54 (Ok, ok, same as above)
Number of Rejection Letters Received (sans interview): 4 (HA! No spread sheet there - just a file folder)
Number of Jobs Applied For That Have Since Been Reposted (aka. the most passive/aggressive rejection ever): At least 6
Number of New Recipes Tried Out: 4 (only one went really well)
Number of NYC Landmarks I've Visited Now That I Have the Time: 2 (more on that later)
Number of Games I've Watched the Patriots Lose: 1
Number of Episodes of Grey's Anatomy Watched: 28
Number of Episodes of House Watched: 6 (but another one is playing right now)
Number of Times I've Cleaned the Apartment: Approximately 15
Number of Times I've Wanted To Blog About Things I Can't Blog About: CountlessLabels: Unemployment |
| posted by FINY @ Tuesday, January 23, 2007 |
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| Monday, January 22, 2007 |
| 24 Days ... |
Well, I am still a little bit in mourning over the game last night. It hurt. But we deserved to lose playing like that. Watching the second half was just ... disheartening. Thankfully, I had many MANY friends at Prof. Thom's to share our misery (and more than a few beers). But damn ... just ... damn.
So now it's time to turn our attention to baseball. Pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training in 24 days. Let's go Sox.Labels: Patriots, Red Sox, sports |
| posted by FINY @ Monday, January 22, 2007 |
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| Sunday, January 21, 2007 |
| The Way It Had To Be |
Brady and Manning. New England and Indy. The Pats and The Colts. You get the feeling it had to be this way. Here's the problem. If you equate this to the Sox v. Patriots ... the Pats are the Yankees.
Yikes.
Most of the country is sick of my team. They're sick of us winning. 3 Super Bowls in the last 5 years. Constantly in the hunt. For a while it was a great underdog story. Now ... people want another team to get a shot at it. You have no idea how weird that is to say. We New England fans are living through an of sports team dominance that we never even imagined. It's still kind of unreal. I think we're all afraid that suddenly, poof it's all going to be gone. One misstep, one bad game, one wrong move, and we'll be watching our grandkids wondering whether the Pats or the Sox or the Celtics or the Bruins will ever win again.
So I am going to enjoy this while it lasts. Today's game is going to be absolutely insane. There's no way it could be anything but. And I'll be sitting at the bar, with a couple hundred other Pats fans, hanging on every single play. If I don't post for a few days, forgive me, I'm probably just recovering.Labels: Patriots, sports |
| posted by FINY @ Sunday, January 21, 2007 |
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| Friday, January 19, 2007 |
| Why Netflix Sucks |
| Because on top of the fact that anxiety has caused me not to sleep in the last three weeks, I am now just finishing watching Discs 2, 3, AND 4 of Season 2 of Grey's Anatomy, and I CAN'T. STOP. WATCHING. It is now 3am. This is a problem, people. A serious, serious problem. Labels: misc., Unemployment |
| posted by FINY @ Friday, January 19, 2007 |
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| Thursday, January 18, 2007 |
| How To Dance On A Bar |
1. Drink enough that you're wasted enough not to care that a whole bunch of people are watching you shake your stuff, but not so wasted that you could fall off the bar and break your head.
2. Even if you're not quite to that point yet, don't let one of your girls get up there on her own. Ever.
3. Be sure to have two guy friends accompanying you. Put a hand on each of their shoulders, prop your knee on the bar stool and climb onto the bar.
3. Do not wear high heels.
4. Try not to look at the pervy guy sitting right below you.
5. Smile for the tourists who are taking your picture, might as well look your best in their vacation photos.
6. Keep moving. Hips side to side, arms in the air, and occasional butt wiggle. You look like an idiot, embrace it. No one looks sexy dancing on a bar.
7. When the song is over, take a bow, let your two guy friends help you down from the bar, and accept all of the free drinks that will soon come your way.
8. Continue to get increasingly liquored up, while practicing your moves on the dance floor with a man in his late sixties, a leather vest, and a cowboy hat.
9. Keep drinking.
10. Repeat steps as necessary. Three times is ideal. Once while semi-sober. Once while good and drunk. The third time wasted enough that when your friend takes off her bra to donate to the collection on the wall, you just laugh your ass off instead of reminding her that that bra cost her $40.Labels: drinking, How-to |
| posted by FINY @ Thursday, January 18, 2007 |
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| Tuesday, January 16, 2007 |
| More Reader Participation |
As a follow up to my last post, I have found a few things that are keeping me elevated. Finding a job to apply to that I'm not only qualified for but that excites me. Cleaning my apartment and reorganizing my life (though after two weeks, there's very little left to do to be honest). My walks in Prospect Park.
But I think one of the best mood elevators I've found thus far has been music. I've always been one of those people who, when sad, turns to Tori. When pissed, turns to Alanis. Anything that I can belt out in the privacy of my own apartment. There's something cathartic about it. The pent up saddness or aggression leaves my body on the air leaving my lungs.
These days, I'm finding that cheesy, upbeat, my-god-I-can't-believe-she-even-listens-to-that-shit, songs are keeping me sane. The current playlist is below. Now here's where you come in ... what else should be added? And please, no mocking the list. I know it's crap, but damnit, I like it!
Surrounded - Chantal Kreviazuk
Takes a Little Time - Amy Grant
With Arms Wide Open - Creed
Don't Let Me Get Me - Pink
Closer to Free - BoDeans
Life Is a Highway - Tom Cochrane
I'm Like a Bird - Nelly Furtado
Hold On - Wilson Phillips
Sunny Came Home - Shawn Colvin
Steal My Sunshine - Len
She's so High - Tal Bachman
I Don't Wanna Be - Gavin DeGraw
Catch My Disease - Ben Lee
Soak Up the Sun - Sheryl Crow
Bitch - Meredith Brooks
Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms
Walking In Memphis - Marc Cohn
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Calling All Angels - Train
Wide Open Spaces - Dixie Chicks
Save Tonight - Eagle-Eye Cherry
The Freshmen - The Verve Pipe
Alive - Pearl Jam
Closing Time - Semisonic
Everything Falls Apart - Dog's Eye View
You Get What You Give - New Radicals
Babylon - David Gray
Don't Stop - Fleetwood Mac
All Star - Smash Mouth
Ready to Run - Dixie Chicks
Stronger - Britney Spears
Better Man - Pearl Jam
Higher - Creed
Drive - Incubus
Drops of Jupiter - Train
Black Balloon - Goo Goo Dolls
Brand New Day - Sting
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Brass In Pocket - The Pretenders
You Gotta Be - Des'ree
Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
Vertigo (Single) - U2
Unwell - Matchbox Twenty
Breathe - Michelle Branch
Counting Blue Cars - Dishwalla
Bittersweet Symphony - The VerveLabels: misc., Unemployment |
| posted by FINY @ Tuesday, January 16, 2007 |
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| The Mask |
The brave face can only be worn so long before the glue that holds in to your skin starts to become ineffectual. Bits of the real you start to peek through. The bags under your eyes. The tear running down your cheek. The slight downward turn of your lips.
I put on the brave face well to most people. But I've been dying inside a little bit for more than a month. Dealing with the holidays, the job loss, the relationship. Living alone is fun and easy when times are good. When times are bad having only your cat for company almost makes it worse.
Because the glue vanishes altogether once you get home. The mask slips to the floor and all that's left is a lonely, scared little girl with too many thoughts running through her head.Labels: misc. |
| posted by FINY @ Tuesday, January 16, 2007 |
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| Monday, January 15, 2007 |
| Indy, Here We Come! |
I had been streaming WEEI on the web obsessively the last week. I'd read the articles, I'd checked the sports blogs, I'd read the posting boards. And really all it got me was a large dose of nerves.
This was always going to be a close game. I don't think there was anyone who really thought it could be any other way. Watching the game at Prof. Thom's with a couple hundred other Pat's fans we collectively hung on every play. I thought my phone was going to explode with all of the text messages that were flying between my friends scattered across the country, all simultaneuously having heart attacks. It was amazing. A game that will surely be a classic one day.
The Pat's lucked out at a lot of moments. And Playoff Brady didn't show up until the second half. But God it was a great football game to watch. I'm already pumped for the Indy game next week. Pats v. Indy is starting to turn into the Sox v. Yanks in that the road to the superbowl almost has to include those two teams playing each other.
So it starts again. I've got WEEI streaming as we speak. I've got some articles, blogs, and boards to go read, excuse me.Labels: Patriots, sports |
| posted by FINY @ Monday, January 15, 2007 |
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| Saturday, January 13, 2007 |
| The Right Thing Doesn't Always Feel Good |
I haven't talked a lot about my relationship with Barnard Boy here at Miles from Fenway. It just, well it didn't feel right knowing how many mutual friends we had that read here. In the end, I know that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. But knowing it was the right thing to do. Knowing that in the end this was the best decision, does not make the knowledge that I hurt him feel any better. I feel awful that I've hurt someone I care about. But in the end, I guess that's just something I'll have to live with, and hope that, eventually, he'll realize that this was the right decision too.
So I guess this is a completely fresh start for me. New year. No Job. Newly single (and planning on staying that way for a VERY long time). My friend Meegan said to me a few moments ago on the phone "I think this is going to be the year of Finy". I hope she's right.Labels: dating |
| posted by FINY @ Saturday, January 13, 2007 |
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| Wednesday, January 10, 2007 |
| National Delurking Week |
Thanks to Dave Copeland for calling this to my attention. Apparently, this week is National Delurking Weekweek is , which works out quite nicely with what I wanted to write about today. So lurkers? Warm up those fingers and unveil yourself, cause I need suggestions.
See, being unemployed has it's ups and downs. I have to say that the arm chair I am now sitting in is quite a bit more comfortable than any office chair I've ever had. But one of the problems I am encountering at the moment is that, while as much as I love streaming WEEI online, listening to CDs, and watching old DVDs, I'm getting a bit bored with it all. I need cable, and yet? I can't afford it. Especially now that I don't have an income.
So I made a decision to join Netflix and simply rent the DVDs of all the shows I've been missing out on the past well, let's say like three years. Here's where you come in ...
... tell me what to watch.
No joke, I need suggestions here. Not only have I not had cable but I haven't really paid attention to television for years. I don't even know what to rent! I took gambles on Grey's Anatomy and Lost, so those are both on the queue since I hear so many people talk about it I figured I should get in on the loop, but I seriously need some help here.
So fire away, loyal readers and lurkers alike.Labels: misc., Unemployment |
| posted by FINY @ Wednesday, January 10, 2007 |
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| Friday, January 05, 2007 |
| Things I've Learned During My First Week Of Unemployment |
1. My cat sleeps more than I thought an animal could.
2. Lack of human contact can make a person go crazy.
3. Eventually, all job postings sound the same.
4. There's at least one hawk that lives in Prospect Park.
5. My new digital camera is fantastic.
6. I am a terrible photographer, but I still love to take pictures (ok, maybe that one I knew before).
7. It's possible to live very cheaply in New York City.
8. I really do need cable. I thought I could live without it, but I am running out of DVDs to watch, CDs to listen to, and soap operas are really really annoying.
9. It is not possible to reset your internal clock to nonworking hours when you've been waking up no later than 8 on weekdays for four and a half years.
10. There is MUCH less to write about when you sit at home all day.
The most exciting thing I've done all week? I took an hour long walk in Prospect Park yesterday, which is right across the street from my apartment and I took pictures. And what's the fun of taking pictures if I'm not going to share them. So here they are:
 
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| posted by FINY @ Friday, January 05, 2007 |
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| Wednesday, January 03, 2007 |
| Cheer Cheer For Old Notre Dame |
Wake up those echos, it's time for ND vs. LSU in the Sugar Bowl.
I've got one question before the game starts ... as I am watching the pre-game, I have to wonder, am I going to look like a heartless human being rooting against LSU tonight? I mean, the game is IN New Orleans, every human-interest story is about Katrina, is it completely terrible that I am still hoping that the Irish beat the living hell out of them?Labels: Fighting Irish, sports |
| posted by FINY @ Wednesday, January 03, 2007 |
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| Welcome to 2007 |
Well, it's been about a week since I posted last. In that week we've rung in a new year, Miles From Fenway turned 2, I spent three days in Boston, and contracted a rather nasty stomach virus.
Sitting here at home, my second day of unemployment is being passed applying for jobs, concentrating on my new post as the Alzheimer's Association Junior Committee's Community Relations Chair, and trying not to get overwhelmed with the seemingly endless list of things I'd like to do around the house. I'm still revocering from a bug that had me running to the bathroom every five minutes debating exactly which end I should position over the toilet first, and my energy levels are still pretty low, but overall, not a terrible start to the new year.
Welcome to 2007, everyone. I hope you all had a happy and safe holiday. Here's to a great New Year.Labels: misc. |
| posted by FINY @ Wednesday, January 03, 2007 |
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