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    Monday, May 09, 2005
    Maybe this was a bad idea
    Seriously. I am crying, I am chewing on everything I can see, and my chest feels like a vice is slowly being tightened around it. And what makes it worse is that my mother knows that I am quitting and that it's for her. So not only do I have to deal with myself and the thought that I actually may NOT be strong enough to deal with this but I would have to face my mother as well.

    You would think that would make it easier. Why would I want to pick up a cigarette if I had that kind of guilt looming over me? But it actually just makes it worse. Much much worse.

    I am so upset at myself ... even though I haven't cheated. I haven't had a cigarette. But the fact that I WANT one. That it's all I can think about. That I can barely do work. Am I really that weak? Am I really so unbelievably feeble that I can't FOR TWO DAYS get through this? And if that's true then how the hell did I get through weekends at home in RI? I would go four - five days without cigarettes and think nothing of it. Now here I am absolutely dying and it hasn't even been 48 hours yet? What the fuck?!

    And you know what the kicker is? I know this shit is psychological! I know my head is fucking with me. I know it is. And yet I can't stop it. I WORK ON FUCKING PSYCHOLOGY TEXTBOOKS.

    I'm sorry, this may not be the most fun thing to watch ever.

    If Wakefield shits the bed tonight I am going to go home VERY cranky.
    posted by FINY @ Monday, May 09, 2005  
    • At 5/10/2005, Blogger BlackJack said…

      You can do this. It is hard. It is harder than you could have ever imagined. You can not do it for your mother. You can only do it for yourself. I know you can do this. I know it because I did it. It is hard. You will never be able to adequately explain to anyone how hard it is. But you can do it. You will probably falter at some point. Almost everyone does. Do not let it defeat you. You can do this.

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    Name: FINY
    Home: New York, New York, United States
    About Me: Just a New England girl trying to make it in NYC. Email me at: soxfaninnyc [at] gmail [dot] com
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