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    Tuesday, September 12, 2006
    How Do You Delete A Memory
    When all the phone messages are erased. When all the emails have been trashed. Once you've deleted all the texts, thrown away the mementos, gotten rid of the physical reminders, how do you get rid of the memories.

    Those memories that keep creeping in throughout the day. The train ride to Rhode Island. The night in the batting cages. The flowers that were bought. The day he showed up at the office. The night we got back together. The way he smiled. The feel of his hugs. Why isn't there a switch to turn that stuff off? Because I don't want them right now. Eventually I will, but right now, this minute, I can't handle them.

    I hate the fact that I let him do this to me again. I feel weak because of it. And I want to say that I am just going to build up a wall so I won't get hurt again. But I know myself better than that. I let people in until they prove I shouldn't and by then it's too late. But then again, if I did shut people out would it make me any different than him?

    I hate the fact that he's out there, living his life. I find myself imagining that this isn't affecting him at all. He texted me last night by accident. Something that was supposed to go to one of his friends. He left me on the street last night and went down to Ground Zero to take some photographs. He just moved on, right away.

    I hate that I can't pretend that I'm ok – he knows I'm not. He knows I can act that way because I told him I could when we got back together. After the first time, he thought I was alright, that I had moved on. I deserved a fucking Oscar for that performance. I deserve to be booed for this one.

    But I am done. Completely done with him. There will be no phone calls, no emails. In a way I have moved on. I've moved on from thinking that he was even a friend to me. Sure he was the person I went to when things got tough, was the first phone call when something good happened, was the one I turned to for so many things. But I wasn't that for him. He wouldn't let me be. And you can't be friends when you're the only one putting anything into it. Nevermind in a relationship.

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    posted by FINY @ Tuesday, September 12, 2006  
    8 Comments:
    • At 9/12/2006, Anonymous edmund dantes said…

      Yep. One of the suckiest parts of it all. The memories, the half formed plans, the places you were planning to go together to, the desire to call them when you saw something you know they would have enjoyed seeing.

      Central Park Zoo was a place we were supposed to go to at some point. I went not too long after we broke up because my bro, sis-in-law, and niece were in town and my niece really wanted to see it. I had a great time except everytime I got excited I would remember that my ex should be standing right there beside me. I wanted to point out all the stuff we both would have gotten a kick out of. It was a downer on the whole event.

      It took me awhile, and I did try to expunge the memories. Stupid mistake. Glad you know better. The harder I tried to push them away the harder they forced themselves to the forefront.

      Funny thing was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind really helped a lot for some reason. Along with "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. For some reason they helped, while other similar themed songs or movies actually made things worse.

      I wonder what is it about things like that some work and some hurt. I wish I could figure it out because then I could stop trying to win the lottery to set myelf up financially for life and just write a self help book. :-D

      You already know it, but it bears repeating. You have a great support system, and you'll be fine [sorry just had to throw the cliche in there ;-)]. Take advantage of them.

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Blogger Miss Browneyedgirlie said…

      Did you peek inside my head and extract bits and pieces of my thoughts after Jack and I broke up?

      This post sounds like something I was thinking - yet never wrote - a few months ago.

      Trust me, I know (and I know you know), that it will get better, you will be ok, and life will go on.

      But grieving, tears, and all that definitely help the process. Not that I thought that back in June, but they really do.

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Anonymous doctorsquared said…

      Every person reading your writing has tears in their eyes now - because we've all been there before, thinking that loving someone and wanting to be with him would somehow be enough. And nothing that anyone says can make it better right now, but know that it will be. Because you DO deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, someone who tells you he loves you as often as you need to hear it (or as often as he thinks about it), someone who needs to be with you. Even though I've never met you, I'm sending you a big hug from Chicago!

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger Esther said…

      You DO deserve to be with someone who will want you to be the first one he calls when something happens. If you're not, then you're not meant to be together. You were there for me when this happened, and I'm here for you now.

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger FINY said…

      You guys are awesome.

      I'm back to being pissed. Oh the joys of the emotional roller coaster. But I'll say this ... dealing with it MUCH better the second time around.

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger MattySox said…

      Finy, I highly recommend a frosty cold beverage, and the song "Motorcycle Drive-by" by Third Eye Blind...google the lyrics, it might make you smile (wistfully)...

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger FINY said…

      matty, I got the frosty beverages covered - perhaps a bit too well. Went to the Sox bar I always go to last night. Now I've known one of the owners for almost four years now. I tell him that The Twin and I are no longer, and he promptly gets me and my friend very very drunk, while spouting all sorts of advice. I won't be touching another frosty beverage anytime soon :)

      As for the song just googled the lyrics and absolutely loved it. I have to go find me that song on iTunes.

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger MattySox said…

      Some people buy like 10 generic get well, or condolence or birthday cards, then send them to whoever needs that card; that song is my bulk "get well" card- it helped me before, and even though I'm not really a fan of that band, that song is awesome...enjoy it...

       
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    Name: FINY
    Home: New York, New York, United States
    About Me: Just a New England girl trying to make it in NYC. Email me at: soxfaninnyc [at] gmail [dot] com
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