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    Tuesday, September 12, 2006
    When Only Whitesnake Will Do
    "And I've made up my mind
    I ain't wastin' no more time"


    Ok, I am going to ignore two things ... I wasn't the one who made the decision, and also, the second line is a double negative. What are you going to do?

    The conversation lasted only a few minutes. Long enough for him to tell me he loved me (the only time he ever said it) but not that way. Long enough for me to tell him that I was angry at whatever girl fucked him up so bad that he wouldn't let me in. Long enough for me to tell him I was mad at him for getting back together just to fuck me up all over again.

    There were tears, friends, ice cream, beer, and cigarettes involved in last night. But I woke up this morning with a weird sense of calm. Well, calm and complete exhaustion, but whatever.

    See, I came to a lot of realizations last night. I loved The Twin. I knew it, he knew it, everyone knew it. And I thought that was enough. I thought if we stuck it out, somewhere along the line, he'd realized he loved me too. So I ignored the fact that I would wait for hours at Starbucks waiting for him to get off work. I shrugged it off when he'd kind of shut down on me. I was always the one waiting for him. I was always worried, I was always afraid. Somewhere along the lines, I lost my self-respect.

    Never again. I deserve better. He even said that last night, which sort of made me want to punch him. No relationship that makes you that uneasy is worth it. Will I miss him? For sure. I'll miss the little things like how my head fit so perfectly into the crook of his neck and shoulder. I won't miss how he never told me I was beautiful. How I always felt like I just wasn't quite living up to his expectations.

    But life's lessons learned, huh? There were some good things I took away from this. I started writing again, and started to seriously push myself towards graduate school. I'll be starting an online writing class through the University of Houston shortly, just to get myself back into the swing of things, and I doubt I ever would have done that had it not been for him. So this past year wasn't a total loss. I learned what I needed, what I wanted, what I deserved.

    I've got a lot of friends right now that absolutely want to kick his ass. I've told them all the same thing: it's not worth it. He's so emotionally unavailable that the shit he's doing to himself is way worse than anything we could ever do to him.

    So that's that folks, on to the next chapter in the book. New apartment, new outlook, new start. It's gonna be a good day.

    Labels:

    posted by FINY @ Tuesday, September 12, 2006  
    12 Comments:
    • At 9/12/2006, Anonymous edmund dantes said…

      Really really bizarre. Our relationships got right back on parallel tracks. Just reverse the stuff and you almost have a carbon copy of the end of mine.

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Blogger MattySox said…

      Good for you...rock on, Finy, rock on...

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Anonymous Amy said…

      Thank you for being strong for those of us who find ourselves stuck in shitty relationships but don't get out because we think the 40 percent good will just make us forget the 60 percent bad. :) thinking of you

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Blogger Becki said…

      Even when we know it's "for the best", it still sucks to have a relationship end. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Blogger Ari said…

      Hey keep up th epositive vibe, it will tkae you further then you can ever imagine. I think yoda said it best, hate and feer will lead you to the dark side.

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Blogger kate.d. said…

      keep your head up, finy. it's good that you're able to see the positive here, and even though you won't be able to focus on that 24/7, it's good that you have it in your sights! fight to keep it there!

      i know there are many great, exciting things around the corner for you...

       
    • At 9/12/2006, Blogger Miss Browneyedgirlie said…

      I'm so sorry to hear that - but, it sounds as though it was for the best.

      I've been there - was it really three months ago that my heart was broken? - and can't believe how much I've grown in that time.

      It was definitely the best thing - and I know that you'll be fine. Life is so much more than romantic relationships - just as we shouldn't let our jobs define who we are as individuals, nor should we let (ex) boyfriends.

      Stay strong - and remember, we're all here for you!

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Anonymous mikey said…

      It's always a tragedy when people turn to Whitesnake for comfort.

      (But I'll admit, "Slide it In" was a great album)

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger FINY said…

      Wow ... thank you ALL for the comments. I really appreciate it. And Mikey, if it makes you feel any better, I've now turned to Metallica. Fits my angry mood better.

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger Pretty Polly said…

      OMG, Finy, I'm so sorry.

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Anonymous mikey said…

      Oh, FINY, you know I'm just giving you crap.

      Actually, I was trying to think of a good breakup song, but none came to me. The only thing I got was my favorite "pissed off at a girl" song. It's not really a breakup song, but, lemme tell ya, you sing along to it (the chorus), and you'll feel better (Cruise Control). And, for the record, yes, I'm childish, and yes, shit like that makes me feel better sometimes.

      But hey, Metallica's cool, too. Shoot, anything that'll get you through this so you can start smiling again.

       
    • At 9/13/2006, Blogger FINY said…

      Aw sweetie, I knew you were kidding around with me. I'm just pissed at the world right now so my tone is totally off. And that's not childish, that normal. Or at least, that's what I tell myself when I do something similar :)

       
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    Home: New York, New York, United States
    About Me: Just a New England girl trying to make it in NYC. Email me at: soxfaninnyc [at] gmail [dot] com
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