Miles from Fenway: Hold The Sugar Coating

I laugh at myself a lot. At the stupid things I do and say. I’m completely unfunny when I try to be, but hilarious in a completely unintentional way. I’m much better at being the butt of my own jokes than I am at making them at others expense.

And I’m comfortable with this. It’s been this way for a long time. Better to laugh than to get offended. Than to get hurt.

This weekend has passed in a blur, and even my mother could tell on the phone the other day that something was wrong. I assured her everything was fine. I thought everything was. She was right. I was wrong.

Friday night was great. I met the Twin at Union Square and we headed over to his friend’s place, sat around, had a few beers. It was the first time I had met one of his friends. His sister arrived that night and we went back to his place, settled her in, and he drove me home. It was such a casual thing, him borrowing his sister’s car, finding directions to my place. But he held my hand the entire ride home, pausing to kiss the back of it at stoplights. I was once again reminded of exactly how smitten I am. This should make me happier than it does.

Saturday I headed to a BBQ in NJ at MM’s boyfriend’s house. Thankfully, Meegan attended as well, because I needed a buffer. Because also at the party were two men, one whom I had dated, another whom I had slept with (they also happened to be best friends) and a myriad of people who, let’s just say, aren’t my biggest fans. But I was intent to ignore that and simply have a good time. MC was there as were the two engaged couples from our high school crowd. I was hoping to avoid disaster.

It didn’t happen. From the minute I arrived the two guys of the engaged couples started in on me. Who were the guys I’d hooked up with, was I going to sleep with one of them again that night, etc etc. This is typical behavior and something I’ve come to engage in with them quite frequently.

See, I was supposed to be the first to get married. The ex and I were on the fast track to happily-ever-after. Since that ended more than two years ago there haven’t been any serious relationships in my life. Sure there was the crazy rebound guy who I dated for three months directly after the ex left, but since then there have been a myriad of one night stands, casual relationships, and random flirtations. Nothing lastning. No commitment.

So as the boys started up with the jokes, with the insinuations, I should have laughed it off as I always do. And I tried. But it hurt this time. Because all of them had met the Twin, and they still didn’t seem to get that I actually liked him. And how can I blame them? Hell, one of my best friends never even asks how things are going with him. I have to assume because she, as with seemingly everyone else, assumes that this is just another one of those flings.

And I was embarrassed that the proof of my philandering was staring me in the face. Especially when, as we were sitting in the hot tub, the guy I had slept with called me out on it. There I sat, with two men I had been involved in some way with, a few friends, and a few people I didn’t know, debating whether the guy I had slept with was a “player” or not. In a way it felt great. I put him in his place in front of quite a few people and I came out of it with as much dignity as is humanly possible.

In another way I felt like crap. That I had had to defend myself and my actions in that way. That I had to admit that I had allowed myself to become just a bit desperate for that night, no matter how long ago it was, and become just another girl this guy had taken home. So when it was all over and one of the engaged guys came up to me and started joking about how all that fighting was just foreplay, I actually wanted to cry.

Because at that point I needed someone to back me. I needed someone to just give me a hug and leave it at that. What I didn’t need was someone else throwing my “reputation” in my face. And again, I can’t be mad. I’ve let them do this for years. They’ve known me since high school, they’ve seen the evidence.

But it still hurt. And it still hurts. Sunday night I met up with the Twin and his sister for drinks at a Flatiron District bar. We sat and talked and drank until the wee hours and as we headed out and I started to wander for the subway the Twin looked at me like I was nuts.
“Where are you going?”
“The subway”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because your sister is sleeping in your living room.”
“Don’t be silly get in the cab.”
And I did. And it was much less awkward than I would have imagined. The next morning we helped him around the apartment, listened to the Sox game together and went out to lunch. When his sister left we watched a movie, nearly passed out from being so tired, and I headed home.

And I was left once again realizing how much I liked him. And how absolutely terrified that makes me. Since the ex I haven’t really dated anyone this way, other than crazy rebound guy, who was everything his nickname suggests. In two years I’ve never felt as vulnerable as I do now. Because I can’t read his mind, and I don’t know what he is thinking. Because I am terrified that I’m going to do or say something to make him go away.

Which is utterly ridiculous as we’ve only been dating for a couple of months. I feel like my feelings are unjustified. That I am putting too much weight behind them. That since I haven’t cared for so long that I have now done a complete 180 and am caring too much. If the ex taught me anything it’s that if a relationship doesn’t work out I can live through it. If I could live through that I could live through anything.

So why am I feeling so needy? Why is my past bothering me so much now? Why did those off-handed remarks, so frequent and laughable in the last few years, feel like salt in the wound this weekend?

The answers to all of these questions are most likely that I’ve found a guy I can actually see myself dating for a while and that scares the hell out of me. Luckily instead of sitting here and overanalyzing anymore, I can focus on the fact that it is Monday morning, that I need to go shower and get ready for work, and throw myself headlong into the work week. And worry about all of this next weekend.

Happy Monday everyone.

EDIT: Ok, so it's not Monday, it's Tuesday. Wondering if anyone else other than my Mom noticed this and just didn't want to say anything because of how cracked out this post is? :)

Labels: dating

posted by FINY @ Tuesday, September 06, 2005

16 Comments:

At 9/06/2005, Jack said…

The boys (and it should be noted that it doesn't even occur to you to consider them men) can go piss up a rope. The fighting most likely was an attempt at foreplay. But that is no reflection on who you are. It's a reflection on who they are. They are jackasses who apparently have very little respect for you.

As for getting freaked out with the Twin. All I can say is that you have to trust that he likes you (as someone may have been saying all along) and just go with it. The neediness, the 'caring too much', the fear that you're going to freak him out and drive him away. You need to leave that garbage behind you. Be you. Know that he wants YOU. You are not a needy, wishy-washy girl.

You are [finy]. You kick ass and take names. And I know that that's what he likes about you.
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

The neediness, the 'caring too much', the fear that you're going to freak him out and drive him away. You need to leave that garbage behind you.

Jeebus. Are our two relationships going to parallel each other like this forever? I just went through my own moment of this several days ago. I eventually just said "Fuck it!! Why worry about the end when the moment right now can be so enjoyable?"

Also as Beej said (paraphrasing "Fuck those idiots"), those guys and the people that kept up that little barrage are not friends. At least they weren't acting like friends at that time. It's not like they have any moral high ground to stand on themselves. Especially the one that slept with "Best friend's" dating partner/girlfriend (or ex depending on the timeline). Neither of which are very kosher.

Fuck'em (no pun intended) FINY.

P.S. I hope the HTML tags come out right.
At 9/06/2005, FINY said…

Thanks, Beejer. I know I need to drop the worrywart crap I've been carrying around, but it's so much easier said than done.

As for the guys, I've got to defend them a bit. They didn't mean anything by it, and like I said, it was a thing that I actively took part in. Even encouraged at times, though it was usually to disguise a hurt of some kind. I've known these guys since I was a kid, literally for over ten years, they would NEVER hurt me intentionally, and I know if they knew how much Saturday bugged me they'd feel terrible. I sort of discussed it with one of them that day and he felt awful.

I love these guys, and I always will, I'm just having a rough couple days that's all.
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

But at some point (unless you are truly an amazing actor) people that joke that way need to see the affect happening is not the one intended.

They are either too stupid not to recognize it (therefore they shouldn't joke around that way) or they just don't care.
At 9/06/2005, FINY said…

Ok, seems I need to clarify a bit. Ed, there are two sets of "guys" mentioned in the post. One is the two guys I've been friends with since childhood. The ones who were kind of taking pot shots at me and just joking around. Then there were the two guys I was involved with, if you want to call it that. So four men total. Two friends, two part of my "romantic" past.
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

Those guys were messing with your head, and they know it. You need to realize that what you may have done in the past is just that - IN THE PAST. You have a great guy that you have feelings for, and he obviously has them for you too. This is a good thing, and you should run with it. I was there when "the ex" left and while you dating "crazy rebound guy." You are a different person now. You're smarter, and you make better choices, even if you've done some things along the way you aren't so proud of. You have the right to enjoy the Twin, because he makes you happy. You deserve him, and you should take this as far as it can go.
At 9/06/2005, Meegan said…

First of all, I'd like to applaud you for your BOOYAH in the hot tub. I saw you put those f---ers in their place. Pretty boy was speechless a few times and all he could think to stutter was, "Uh...but, but, I swear I really like short girls with curly dark hair." Nice comeback!

As for the twin, obviously there is nothing to be concerned about, so don't create a problem by freaking out. And again, good lord, is he attractive.

Finally, you need to remember that you have many friends in your life who love you dearly. Myself included!
At 9/06/2005, Craig said…

I should say forget about the people who don't believe in you and the people who don't treat you as well as they should. I should say that you should only worry about the people who care about you and about whom you care. I should say don't worry so much about freaking him out because if he has problems with something, he'll tell you. I should say, all of this, but I won't. If I did, I'd be a hypocrite. I'd be right, but a hypocrite, nonetheless.
At 9/06/2005, FINY said…

Macca, don't I know it. I've got the best group of friends in the world. No question.
At 9/06/2005, Becki said…

Rock like Bob girl. Even at a few months you've left me in the dust...tell your friends they hurt your feelings next time they're fucking with you and watch them fumble trying to make you feel better. This is just a side affect of having long time guy friends. I'm stil catching flack for hooking up with a guy they didn't like over a year ago. In the meantime..aaaaawwwww. Stay all cute with the Twin. I'll take Meegan's word for his attractiveness and send a WOOT! your way for that one.
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

The Twin is cute. If I swung that way, I'd hit that. :-D

(There just freaked FINY out for the next month or two. My job here is done).
At 9/06/2005, Chief Slacker said…

The best thing you can do is stop being flustered and wondering if it how you should feel, or analyze everything. Just relax and enjoy a good thing :O)
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

Men everywhere will call me a traitor for suggesting this, but the next time those two (if they are who I think they are) from your past get on your case about your history and you want the conversation to end, just say "yeah, and you sucked." Sure, it's the nuclear option, but it's a way to end that conversation without having to tell them that they're actually bothering you. Or I could just be a fundamentally evil, petty person.

Seriously, though, just roll with it, FINY. You don't need to overanalyze the good things that are happening to you right now, just enjoy them. I know I personally have been known to spend more time analyzing something enjoyable instead of enjoying it, and you deserve better than that. Feelings are awkward, but it's better to feel awkward/vulnerable than to lack feelings. To quote a cheesy sports t-shirt, you can't win if you don't play. Is you finding happiness and developing it any less likely than The Comeback last October? I didn't think so.

On a more technical note, can a blog comment be used as a chat confession? Because Ed's comment NEEDS to be posted.
At 9/06/2005, FINY said…

Esther: Yeah I think dating guy and player guy were totally messing with me. Though intentionally or not I’ll never know. I don’t necessarily regret my past. My mom made a very good point to me today that each and every one of those guys I’ve “dated” in the last two years has taught me something. By the way, my mom is a little in love with you. Between the stopping smoking comments (I SWEAR that damn Q&A post is almost done) and this, she really wants to meet you next time she’s in NYC.

Meegan: Same can be said about my mother’s feelings about you :)

Thanks for the “booyah” on the hot tub conversation. I am glad it sounded as good to other people as it did to me. I hated that I had to do it but damn it was fun to watch his face.

And as for how hot the twin is. Hehehe. Yeah. Yeah he is. And a sweetheart to boot.

And thank you, for being such a fantastic friend. I love you to death, you know that.

CK: It’s always so much easier to give advice than to take it, huh? I know I would have said the same thing to me if I were in an outsiders position. I know you’re right, I know you’re ALL right. It’s always just so much easier said than done.

Aurora: “Rock it like Bob”? Ok, I am an idiot I have no idea what the hell you mean lol.

Ed: you are never hanging out with the Twin and I again. He’s mine beyotch!

CS: I know I know. So hard to do though!

JMD: these aren’t the guys you’re thinking of (assuming you are thinking it’s J and the Welshman. They would NEVER do that to me. Well, especially for the reason that J still doesn’t know the Welshman and I hooked up. But besides that they are actually good friends, unlike the dating guy/player guy).

And unfortunately I don’t think Ed’s comment applies. But it would have been damned funny.
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

Be not afraid-life is 10% of what happens to you & 90% is what you make of it.
At 9/06/2005, Anonymous said…

Big-Tool For You says,
When you sell this one day I want dinner. On another front "FINY" you know your friends love you and would never intentionally hurt you. I/We will always have your back even when you feel we are all against you. Past comments have turned to some of our best inside jokes, yet others have turned to wars. This is the first time I have read your blog, even though you told me about it months ago. I am so impressed by your writing skills and hate that the first time I read your blog thing a mu gig, it portrays me in a negative light. I can't wait to read this again and see a blog where you portray the goodness of your friends and more prospectus on the "twin" (who we liked). Anyway at the threat of making you feel any worse, keep up this writing and I will see you real soon.