Miles from Fenway: Breaking the Rules

I have two rules when it comes to break ups.

1. Pretend like it's ok until it actually is.
2. Never let them see you're upset.

I broke both of those rules last night. I'd been following number 1 pretty well. And for the last few weeks it was actually starting to get better. I wasn't thinking about him as much. Or at least, I was pretending I wasn't thinking about him as much. But I was getting there. But then I saw him last week. And then we talked on the phone that night. And last night, we went to the movies. And then we sat down and talked. And that's when my two cardinal rules came crumbling to the ground.

It was easier to pretend like I was ok when I thought he was alright. When I thought he had made a clean break. But what break up is ever clean? The last two times I've seen The Twin I've put on a show worthy of an Oscar. Acting as if seeing him wasn't affecting me. As if everything was fine. And he bought it too. I know because he told me so.

But sitting across the table from him last night, with the walls that both of us had built up finally coming down, or at least swaying against some seriously strong winds, hearing that he wasn't ok; that he missed me, that he's confused, he deserved to know that I was feeling the same way. He took a big risk in starting the conversation, in being honest with me about his feelings, the least I could do was do the same.

But at the same time, that self-preservation mode kicked in too. Trying to head-off the possibility of getting hurt all over again my first reaction was to say "But what if you’re just feeling this way because it's only been a short amount of time?"

I don't think either of us know what the hell we're doing or where the hell it's leading. But as I sat on the subway, reading the letter he wrote full of all the things he had already said, and looking at the flowers the guy Mike on the street cajoled him into buying for me, I cried for the first time in weeks. I cried for all the things I wish I'd known, for all the things I wish I'd told him. And for all the things I wish he'd told me.

I don't know where this is going now. But maybe it's worth it to break the rules now and again.

Photo credit goes to The Twin by the way.

Labels: dating

posted by FINY @ Tuesday, June 13, 2006

6 Comments:

At 6/13/2006, Anonymous said…

I'm a pretty good breaker-upper, I think. It's tough, but when I know something's over, I leave it alone. No need in peeling scabs before they're fully healed, right?

And now? Two of my exes, the ones that I dated the longest - they're two of my absolutely best friends.
At 6/13/2006, FINY said…

Yeah it's possible that we're complete idiots for rehashing all of this stuff so soon. But then again, these have been some of the healthiest conversations we've ever had, so it's hard to say it's a bad idea. It does make me miss him more though.
At 6/13/2006, East Coast Teacher said…

I wish I could say I've followed those two rules since Friday night - but unfortunately...not.

AND I miss him terribly.

I wish you luck in whatever happens with The Twin.
At 6/13/2006, Esther said…

These conversation can be good - just try to make sure that you don't end up doing something you'll regret.
At 6/13/2006, Chief Slacker said…

Give your heart some time. it ended once, odds don't favor it working again, but those are just odds. If you do get into anything again, make sure it because you really want to with him, because you miss him, not because either of you miss the feelings you had with each other. You're a smart wonderful girl, you'll come through fine ;O) /hugs
At 6/13/2006, Ari said…

Just remember, take it one day at a time, and you will know what the right thing is for you. Life is an adventure and relatioships just add to the first day of school nerves or the first time you went to fenway park. Its that love you have for baseball and how you feel everytime you go there, thats what the man that you were meant to be with you should do to you, so maybe him making you cry like those sox did all those years its just making it work?? I hav eno clue where I am going with this, just do what you feel is right in your heart and things will always work out.