Miles from Fenway: The Lessons Not Learned

I think I missed a day in health class back in middle school. Perhaps it was when I was almost hospitalized with the chicken pox? Or maybe it was even younger than that, maybe they taught this lesson when I missed a few days in elementary school when that mean boy from down the street chased me on my bike and I flipped over the handlebars and landed on my face.

Whenever it was, I seem to have missed a lot of the "How to Be a Girl" lessons. Sure I got the "How to Wear Your Emotions On Your Sleeve", the "101 Ways to Increase Melodrama". I especially enjoyed the "The Art of the Chick Flick" class. I even took some cross over courses. "The Art of the Infield Fly Rule" was a good one. As was "Across the Line: The Evolution of Icing in the Game of Hockey".

But as I sat around my office today, chatting with fellow coworkers about the sample sale going on 14 floors below and comparing purchases, I felt like the kid who skipped a grade because he did well on one test only to realize he should probably be in remedial reading. I'd been so proud lately that I'd finally been wearing heels on a consistent basis. That the occasional eye shadow would grace my lids. Hell, I even felt downright sexy in the dress I wore to the gala last week!

Then the comments started coming – in the friendliest fashion possible of course.
"You do have the right brushes to apply that eye shadow, right? And that you should probably wear eyeliner with it?"
"You should wear more belts they'd give you much more of a waist."
"That lipstick probably isn't the best color for your skin tone."

Now, who knows, they're probably right, but here's my question: Where the HELL are you people learning this stuff? I have no idea what kind of skin tone I have or which eye shadow will accent my blue eyes well. I've figured out that black is slimming, but damn, how much black can one person wear? (Ok, I live in New York, so actually, quite a bit).

So is there some sort of summer school I can go to to catch up on this shit? I'm a pretty hard studier, I am sure I can make up for the lost time. Or maybe a cheat sheet I could get? Is there a Cliff's Notes out there somewhere?

I never did like feeling behind at school. Now I just feel behind at life.

Labels: misc., work

posted by FINY @ Thursday, May 10, 2007

5 Comments:

At 5/10/2007, Esther said…

You've definitely got me stumped - I don't know this stuff either. I think this is the type of information that used to be taught to daughters by their mothers, but my mom doesn't know the first thing about this stuff either. I think you need to find someone you know who does know, and get her to fill you in.
At 5/11/2007, Itchy said…

I don't have a clue about any of that. None. I'm lucky I match when I leave the house. I'm hopeless when it comes to the "girl stff."
At 5/11/2007, Becki said…

Dude, I wear my hair in a ponytail every day. The only time I wear it down is for a special occassion. Birthdays (at a nice restuarant), weddings and graduations. That's pretty much it.

I have no idea how to apply liquid eyeliner, I never paint my nails, I don't own a strapless bra and my curling iron hasn't been used in years.

It takes me 15 minutes to get ready for work. The extra time it would take to blow dry my hair and apply make-up is spent sleeping.
At 5/13/2007, Roxy said…

I hardly wear any make-up myself.

Consider buying a how-to/dummies book.

One fun thing to try is to just go into the MAC store or Sephora or any make-up counter in Macys and just ASK. The women or men at these counters are supposed to know what they're doing.

If you're willing to throw down some cash, many salons offer lessons with their make-up artists.
At 5/13/2007, Anonymous said…

You learn this stuff in magazines (and by not spending all your time thinking about sports). I, however, prefer you just the way you are, so don't bow to the pressure!
-Meegan