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    Tuesday, November 01, 2005
    What If You Don’t, “Just Know”?
    In the last month or so I’ve had three separate friends told me something along these lines: “I just felt it, right away. This is right. It’s wonderful. What can I say, when you know, you just know”.

    Now, I should state right away, I am REALLY happy for all three of my friends who have said this. They are all happier than I’ve ever seen them. But it ends up bringing up a lot of questions for me.

    Clearly I’ve never “just known” about anyone I’ve ever been with. I mean the whole idea behind the premise is that when you just know, that’s it. The end.

    The question now is, is that the way it SHOULD be? And for those of you who have said this to me over the last month, because I know you read here, I’d actually appreciate a non-response here. I’m looking for outside opinions here.

    This is really just all in the wake of a rather vague period with The Twin and the realization that I need romance in my life. Never ONCE have I dated someone I would describe as romantic. I have been bought flowers by a man only twice in my life. And with the way I tend to fall into relationships I tend to skip the whole first date stage. I’m not the kind of woman who gets bought drinks in bars. Probably because the bars I hang out at are sports bars and I am usually screaming at the television.

    I don’t know, I am just down at the moment. So someone get back to me about the whole “just knowing” thing. This intrigues me. Or depresses me I can’t tell which. Because if it’s true then what’s the point of dating at all?


    posted by FINY @ Tuesday, November 01, 2005  
    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Meegan said…

      I'm sorry you're feeling down. I don't think anyone can "know" anything when they first meet someone, except that maybe they feel attracted to them. People say things like that when they are looking back at something. Hindsight is 20/20. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger -- said…

      Meegan brings up a good point, Finy, people say things in retrospect that they didn't say at the time. Take Cynthia (from Grow Some) for example. Before she & Princeton Lawyer went out for the first time she was a crazy wreck, hoping he'd show up, etc. etc... Now she "just knows" but before that date she certainly was not acting like someone who knew...

      I've never known about anyone either, I guess. There have been a few guys that seemed perfect for me, and if they had worked out, I suppose I would be saying now that I "just knew" but, since I'm not with them now, I certainly must have been wrong about them being perfect, right?

      Don't stress too much... but hey, if things don't work out between you and the Twin, lemme know if you need a gal pal to go trolling for boys with (I'm not bad at getting guys to buy drinks--I'll share my secretss, if you tell me how you skip the dating stage... ). Kim, Cyn, and Sarah are all coupled up, now, so I could use a single gal to hang with... ;)

    • At 11/02/2005, Anonymous Z said…

      Wish I knew the answer to that one too... Here I am, flying half way round the world for a guy and I still just don't know... I wouldn't worry about it too much, just go with it, that's what you always were telling me! I guess one day you'll know right? And if it isn't the first day, well...

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Itchy said…

      What you have to keep in mind is that we are all different people with different personalities. Someday you may just wake up and bam! you know that this is it, this is the one...or just the opposite.

      For some reason, I always knew that I would know - and I mean really know. I dated a few guys casually and I liked them a lot, but I knew I wasn't going to be with them forever. And I went out on a few dates with guys that I thought were really nice but I ended it quickly - I knew they weren't it and why waste my time, or even their time.

      My hubby and I met on a blind date. By the end of the date I was totally smitten. A month later, we were already talking about marriage. We both just knew...and I can't explain how.

      However...I know plenty of people who dated for years and years before they just knew...and had turmoil and bumps along the way. That's what makes us all so unique and wonderful.

      One thing I have found to be in common with some of my friends - when you stop looking for "it" you find it. The key is to relax, and enjoy the ride. I know what you're thinking..."Easy for you to say. You're married!" I wasn't looking for a long term anything and never thought I'd want to get married when I met hubby. But here we are...11 years later.

      So, long story short my advice would be to sit back and enjoy spending time with The Twin. You enjoy his company and you guys have fun...right? Then roll with it, relax, and when/if it's time for you to know, you will. :D

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger FINY said…

      Meegan: I guess I should have noted that the first two friends (who found each other!) have only been together for two months, and the third has only been on a couple of dates.

      Kristin: If things don't work out with The Twin, you're on! And I SO know what it's like being the single girl in a group of friends who are all paired off.

      Z: Throwing my own advice right back at me, touche :).

      Itchy: I guess that's what I need to keep in mind, that everyone is different. I just seem so surrounded by it right now. And the crazy thing is I am not even looking to find "the one" right now! I know I'm 25 but I still feel way too young to be getting married. I can barely take care of myself and my cat nevermind a marriage! That's a great story you and your husband have though. Who set you up on the blind date?

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Ari said…

      Hey, every person, and to each their own speed, sometimes that moment happens and you don't realize it until well afterword, sometime you are lucky enough to be with that person and sometimes you just wonder if that moment happend. The real trick is not to think about it, and try to enjoy the moments and times that you get to have with folks.

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Meredith said…

      I've never "just known" either and that's nothing to feel bad about. Not that I'm the master of relationships by any means, but from simple observance it often just comes with time. As long as you and The Twin are having fun together then you can enjoy that and try not to stress about knowing!

    • At 11/02/2005, Anonymous nacho said…

      Delurking for this one...

      The triple threat of Lifetime, Disney, and Meg Ryan movies has implanted the notion of some magical force creating our destiny. I never felt that sort of magic, but looking back something was at work. It was the love that made us stick it out, see where this thing was going.

      To truly know you belong together you have to go through the ups and downs that come with relationships…drunken arguments, bad hair, questionable fashion sense, crazy friends and family messing stuff up.

      The only thing you “just know” is that you want to jump their bones. When it comes to knowing someone is THE ONE, there is no “just” about it . You should have reasons.

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Amy said…

      Hey you! I've never just "known" until after being with someone...and look at me..recently divorced....I thought I "knew" and was totally wrong. Just take your time...explore're doing it right...believe me you :)

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger FINY said…

      Ari: you've been telling me to relax and enjoy it since day one. I SWEAR one of these days I am actually going to listen! Honest!

      Mer: The Twin and I ARE having fun and there are some days that I really feel like it's going somewhere and others that I just want to point blank be like "Are we just fuck friends or what?!"

      Nacho: Thanks for "delurking"! You're spot on with the Lifetime, Disney, Meg Ryan stuff. Someone really should take all my chick Flicks away from me for a while. And I love your line about there being no "just" about it. So true. Thanks.

      Amy: Hey sweetie! Thanks for the vote of confidence. Sometimes I feel like I am just stumbling my way through a dating scene where everyone knows the rules but me! But then again I guess there is no right way and wrong way to go about it.

      Oh and your new boy who is totally not new anymore. SO adorable. You two look so happy in all your pics!

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger WelshSoxFan said…

      The 'just knowing' thing comes over time. It's not that you meet someone and you 'just know'. You meet someone, you spend time together, you date etc etc. Then eventually, one day, you might fall in love. THAT is when you 'just know'. It's an expression that you use to explain how you know when you love someone. If you don't 'just know' it probably means you're not in love with him yet, but you shouldn't necessarily be in love with him at this stage - I don't think your relationship is that far along. Further down the road, if things go better, you may eventually fall in love with him and you'll 'just know' it to be the case. It's something that comes over time though, not something you wake up in the morning with.

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Esther said…

      I don't exactly have the best track record in this, since you were around last year. But for all of my friends who have gotten married in the last year, they never "just knew". They dated, kept having a good time, and continued dating. At some point they fell in love - some sooner, others later. I agree with everyone else that in restrospect they can say that they just knew. I've been around this enough to know that we all just keep going until we get to the point where we feel like it's perfect. Until then, everyone has the uncertainty and the questions.

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Becki said…

      I told my mom I was going to marry a guy once. I just *knew* it was going to happen. And it did. What I didn't *know* is that we would end up getting divorced.

      I'm dating a great guy now. He's a much better match for me than my ex ever could be, but it took me almost a year to realize it.**

      ** And just in case Aurora is reading... Don't freak. This realization in no way indicates marriage plans.

    • At 11/02/2005, Blogger Becki said…

      Oops I left this part out...

      I told my mom that I was going to marry him THE DAY I MET HIM.

      How psycho does that sound?

    • At 11/02/2005, Anonymous Edmund Dantes said…

      Hmmm... just knowing? Now I can't speak for me long term, but I can give you some insight as to where I am right now with Wilma (no meaning other than a fake name) since you and I have been in a similar boat for awhile now.

      What do I just know about Wilma? What did I just know when I first started out with her?

      Her and I, as I recounted to you before, took a weird trip towards dating. It was something that sort of just happened. The whole "you wanna go to a baseball game in another city" thing in a way gave us a transition into dating that left out some of the first date early relationship waves, but it created some of it’s own weird ripples because there was no definitive “let’s date” moment. I wasn't looking to get into a relationship. I wasn't worried about any of that crap so I think it made it a lot easier for the two of us to relate and get to know each other. I knew, from the little contact I had with her, that there definitely were some things about her that intrigued me. I knew I’d be interested in dating her, but I certainly didn’t know “this is the woman I’m going to spend the rest of my life with” or “this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with” (Still don’t know that). Since then things have grown pretty organically, I guess.

      Well I didn't just know we were doing more than just dating until recently. Even then I still don't know for certain. We have long conversations that travel over all kinds of topics, and sometimes things get said in there that make me lean towards us having graduated into more than just dating. One being the topic of her going out to clubs and the fact she doesn’t do it a lot anymore. It wasn’t something I brought up or even made even a passing remark about, but her friends have been bugging her a lot about going out to them since she hasn’t been going as much (She was complaining about them bugging her so much). I asked her “why don’t you just go and have fun you enjoy it?” Her response was “I’ve grown out of it. I just don’t like it as much. I have too much respect for you, and I just don’t feel right being out there.” (Paraphrasing. Also many interprations of that can be made.)

      Still I don’t know this is the one. I do know I really have grown to love being around her. We’ve done several things together like going on a Haunted Hayride, going to haunted houses, hanging out in general, etc., but they didn’t have the feel of individual dates or even separate distince events. They felt as if they were part of a continuing and ongoing thing. We talked about Christmas presents. I knew I was going to get her something already, but she came right out and said “I need to know what you want”. I wasn’t expecting that, and it helped to put another pebble on the side of the scales for “more than just dating/fuck buddies”. The scales have been tilting that way slowly but surely over the past 4 and ½ months.

      So what do I know now? I know I’m a lot more comfortable with her now. I know I’m interested in pursuing this further down the road. I know her and I have very similar interests in family size, children, houses, finances, outlook on life, etc. I know there is great potential there, and I know I hope I get the chance to realize that potential. (I also know this could all just be wishful thinking on my part, but that voice is getting quieter.)

      Hope this helps from the mind of someone in a similar boat to you.

    • At 11/03/2005, Blogger amhessio said…

      I've heard this 'knowing' concept endlessly. And I think the optimist in me would like to believe it's possible and 'just know' that it'll happen. However, the irony of the situation is that of all my friends' parents and mine included, the happiest of them all was an arranged marriage. They go for walks and hold hands, they go to the theater, they do all the things now that look like being in love when many couples at the same stage of marriage who met in the way of more traditional american courtship have resorted to the same old tired arguments and a movie every friday night.

      and FINY, I met you when you were in boston with Welsh Sox Fan and his blond ball and chain.

    • At 11/03/2005, Anonymous Turtle said…

      I have a friend who started dating a guy about 4 months ago. She instantly knew - he was the one. They were going to get married. They talked about moving in after only a few weeks. They broke up over the weekend. She thought she knew, and she didn't. So, don't worry too much about not knowing. Even the people who think they know, don't always get it right. Unfortunately, I agree with the comment that it will happen when you least expect it. I used to hate it when people told me that - but it's true.

    • At 11/03/2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

      It's "Fuck Buddies", not "Fuck Friends".


    • At 11/03/2005, Blogger FINY said…

      Ed: Always good to know we're still in the same boat though it is possibly getting a bit eerie.

      amhessio: Hey thanks for stopping by! That's a great story about you friend's parents arranged marriage. Hmmm. I wonder where I could go to get me one of those ... ;)

      Turtle: Yeah I guess there's always that too. By being brainwashed into thinking we HAVE to know, we force ourselves into a state of knowing prematurely (ok, not all of us I am generalizing). I thought I knew once too, and look where that got me!

      Dad: First let me just say that you shocked me so much you have an entire POST devoted to you now. And also, while the term Fuck Buddies is still appropriate and means the exact same thing, I've always liked the term Fuck Friends more. Going for the alliteration.

      I can't believe I just responded to my dad ... how fucking cool is my family?!

    • At 11/07/2005, Blogger Derek said…

      a friend of a friend had what I thought was a good take on this ... that once you've spent a sufficient length of time with someone -- unless you're sure the answer's yes, then it should be no. (To the question of getting married, living together, staying together, what have you).

      Of course what constitutes a sufficient length of time is a matter of debate - i'd say at least a year or three.

    • At 11/08/2005, Blogger kate.d. said…

      hi- found you through amy - just wanted to throw my two cents in and say that in my experience, you don't have to "just know." i was highly ambivalent about whether or not i wanted to get into a real relationship with my current boyfriend...that was three years ago, and it ended up working out fantastically. i think we'll be together for the long haul, but i damn sure didn't know it then :)

    • At 11/08/2005, Blogger OBloodyHell said…

      There are two elements to this --

      1) Stop reading Cosmo -- or at least thinking about relationships like Cosmo says women should think. Don't analyze the relationship unless it's
      a) Gone on for a substantially long time and you want to know if it's time to either make it permanent or go looking for one you want to *make* permanent.
      b) one or the other of you is, in fact, looking to make it permanent and you *need* to think about it in order to decide about it.

      2) I do concur with Derek -- if the answer isn't reasonably certainly "yes", then the answer is, in fact, "no"... but that does not mean it has to be a question-asked-instantly-answered yes or no. THAT is when you should think about it a bit.

      Women overanalyze this stuff. Even if you are more of a sport than some women, they still look for meaning where none exists.

      If you are having a good time together, then enjoy it. Don't try and figure out *why* it is a good time. That's the best way to screw things up.

      P.S., If you have any intellectual bent at all, I really strongly recommend reading "Zen And the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance". People all too often don't grasp when to analyze things and when to just lay back and enjoy the experience of life. It's an odd book, but a good treatise on those two states of life -- Zen and Analysis. Robert Persig spent way too much time thinking about that, and everyone can benefit from it.

    • At 3/17/2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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    • At 4/25/2007, Anonymous Anonymous said…

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