Miles from Fenway: Should Have Seen It Coming

Hindsight is 20-20. Or so they say. I let myself believe it was a business thing. But then her name popped up more. He was hanging out with her while I was away. And there was other stuff. I brushed off the fact that we hadn't been intimate in ages. It was a tough time, with the bugs and the moving. I really thought everything was ok. I was delusional.

Whether or not he was sleeping with her when we were together I'll never know, but odds are he is now. And you know what pisses me off? Not that he's with someone else, but that he clearly has a "type". Girl looks more similar to me than I feel comfortbale with. And from what I had heard of her in the past; we like the same kind of shit too. But she's skinnier, and even I'll admit, cuter. So this leaves me feeling irrationally inadequate. Like I was cool, but not quite good enough.

And I hate that I let myself feel that way. Because I know it's not the truth. But looking back I should have seen it. I've kept one and only one memento from our time together: the letter he wrote me right before we got back together. That night at the bar, him sitting in front of me, baring his soul, was the only time he ever let me in. And I know that now. Out of a year I got one night.

Sometimes looking back can be a bitch. You remember the good times, the small stuff. But when you look back and realize that it's possible you never even knew the man you supposedly loved, it starts to make things easier.

Labels: dating

posted by FINY @ Saturday, October 14, 2006

4 Comments:

At 10/14/2006, East Coast Teacher said…

I feel the same way, sweetie. About all three of the guys I loved - though hindsight being 20-20, and, to risk quoting a cheesy chick flick, "I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and never got it back."

Spoken by Reese Whitherspoon in "Sweet Home Alabama."

The One Who Got Away was my first love, and, I truly believe, my only one thus far. Yes, I've dated other guys. And yes, I cared about them a lot when we were dating. I THOUGHT I loved them.

Then after the break-ups, both initiated by the men, I realized that I barely knew who they were. A total of 14 months of my life spent with two different guys and after it all, they weren't who I thought they were at all.

You're definitely not alone. But remember, it was HIS loss, and you can do SO MUCH BETTER.
At 10/15/2006, Anonymous said…

So... ummm yeah. You need to stop biting on my break-up story. This is beyond the cute stage now. It's downright eerie.

And from someone going through this stuff for the first time, fuck the inadequacy stuff. It's not true, and those thoughts can only shackle you, drag you down, and keep you there. It's tough I know because I still find myself (very little now, but still happens in weak moments) trying to measure myself up against the new guy. I know it's a futile and pointless endeavor, but it's one of those things I guess we have to do.

None of htis really helps you per se, but everytime I write stuff down like this or talk it through it helps me a little more. So thanks FINY.
At 10/15/2006, Esther said…

Other than the sleeping with her part, that's exactly how I felt when my ex appeared with his girlfriend. I mean, she had the exact same job title for christ's sake. Just keep in mind that it will get better. You're better off without someone who wouldn't let you in. We both know how unhealthy that is.
At 10/16/2006, Meegan said…

Skinnier and cuter? I DON'T THINK SO.